Illustration by Xenia

“And now that I know that I’m breaking to pieces, I’ll pull out my heart and I’ll feed it to anyone.”
- The Cure (Disintegration)

~~ Page 6 ~~

Noss’ phone vibrated on the counter, the screen blinking in an attempt to catch his attention. Without Noss there to catch it, the phone eventually shook enough to fall off the table, landing on a pile of blankets and towels on the kitchen floor.

This was far from the only mess in his apartment by this point. Tupperware, half opened pizza boxes, and take out bags were scattered all across the living room floor and the couch. Picture frames in the hallway were either crooked, cracked, or had outright fallen off the wall. Dirty dishes piled up high enough to form an overwhelming mountain of neglect in the sink. All the while, every room marinated in a lonely, musty darkness, where every set of windows and blinds was closed tight.

This could hardly compare to the clutter that had been accumulating in Noss’ mind for the past week and a half.

His life had been completely overturned internally, yet perfectly fine from an outsider’s perspective. Mr. Mason had sent him an email, praising him on his surprising initiative the other day during a meeting with Kimblewell that Noss himself had never actually attended. Ginny had also reached out to him to see if they could patch things up, apologizing for what she said when she had talked to “him” at one of her venues the other day. His parents even left a voicemail, saying that Nora reported that the chores were going well.

But Noss felt as though he couldn’t respond to any of these people in his life. They weren’t interacting with him, they were interacting with them. His forehead was right, he was a liar, and ‌nothing else at this point. No job, no girlfriend, no family, and somehow no one seemed to realize it. 

He didn’t exist.

Noss had spent the past ten days struggling to come up with a way to find his former selves in the city without running into anyone else that he knew. The mere possibility that he might have to explain to Ginny, Norah, or even his bosses that he was now just an inferior copy of himself was terrifying enough for Noss that staying hidden in his home for days on end seemed like the safest option.

Who would they think is the fake?
The one wearing the business suit,
or the one with the word “LIAR” plastered across his forehead?
I can’t blame them for thinking that way.
I shouldn’t have lied.

…

Noss could only wonder how all of this came to be in the first place, marinating in his own cluttered, rotting head space. Over the course of days, his thoughts shot out in all directions, all with no feedback or confirmation from anyone else in the world. One night, he even found himself staring at his reflection in the mirror for hours. His thoughts could only scream into the void of the human condition.

Who am I?
Who am I without them?
Where are you?
I’m not here.
I’m not much without them.
Who are they without me?
Maybe I just want us to all be the same.
They’re better than me it seems.
Was I always like this?
No. But maybe…?
How did this start?
I don’t remember.
I want to remember.
I don’t want to remember.
When will this be fixed?
Is it my job to fix it?
Of course not!
It’s all her fault that this happened in the first place.

I miss who I used to be.
Do I even remember who I used to be?
Am I anyone anymore if there’s no one to say who I was?
I don’t know.
I don’t know if I even want to know.
Is it pointless to ask?
I… you…
You're crazy, you know.
No one thinks this way.
You’re finally crazy.
Or maybe everyone thinks this way,
and no one wants to admit that they do.
Maybe we’re all the same.
Maybe we’re all crazy.
Maybe I just want us to all be the same.
But who are we if we’re all the same?
Who’s “we”.
Who’s “me” if I’m no longer a part of “we”?
I can’t even go outside anymore.
No one would believe me.
“This isn’t you” they’d say.
What right do you have to say that?
But no one would believe me.
What right do I have to say that?
Not a single soul would believe me.
A soul?
Or just chemicals and nerves?
Just genes in jeans?
An executing program?
A thing of nature?
.tae uoy tahw era uoY
No! I’m a soul!
Then where is it?
I don’t remember.
I want to remember.
Where are you?
I’m right here!
I’m not here.
I’ve always been here!
I don’t remember.
I want to remember.
You're crazy, you know.
No one thinks this way.
When will this be fixed?
Is it my job to fix it?
I don’t remember.
I want to remember.
I don’t want to remember.
…
Who am I?
Who am I without them?
Who am I?
You're crazy, you know.
…
When will the bells stop?
…

His mind spiralled like this as the bells continued, just as they had for years.

…

It wasn’t until his tenth day in his confinement that her voice resurfaced in his mind. By then, it was dusk, and his mind was teetering again in that hazy limbo between consciousness and slumber.

Unsure of how to talk to her, he spoke aloud as if she were there in the room with him, “What else am I supposed to do? I can’t go outside like this.”

“You’ve seen my forehead, haven’t you? It doesn’t really matter who sees me at this point.” He spat the words, knowing full well that she had everything to do with that.

She was right. The thought had crossed Noss’ mind days ago. Odds are, he’d be fine if he only went out to run some errands and came back within an hour. And even if he did run into someone, they didn’t need to see his forehead if he wore the hat again. 

Noss knew this well enough already. He just didn’t want to act on it.

“I just want these bells to stop.”

Exhausted, Noss was in no mood for any more of her condescension, “What do you want from me anyway? Why are you doing this to me? And where the hell are you? How can I hear you in my head?”

At this, Noss’ bathroom door opened. Noss whipped around to finally see who it was that had been crawling in his mind for days now. She was dressed in all black, from head to toe. A long, silk dress, a sunhat, and even a veil. She looked more like a shadow than a person.

Noss stammered, “What the… who the hell are you?”

Despite her eerie appearance, the woman chuckled, “Pretty ironic hearing that from you, don’t you think? Besides, you don’t need to know who I am right now. I still have some other questions of yours that need answering.”

Noss noticed what she was holding in her hand: a little voodoo doll that didn’t look like anyone in particular. Three needles, each lined with a crimson thread, puncturing the doll’s heart.

“I’m here, because I need to… square us away.” She spoke in a matter of fact tone. She sounded more transactional than endearing.

“Square away? But… I’ve never met you before.” Noss affirmed.

“No. Not yet. You’ll find out someday though. I would explain that to you, but if I did, it would jeopardize your capability of fulfilling your role when the time comes. And to be honest, I can’t afford to risk that. Just as you can’t afford to continue rotting away in here without my assistance.”

“Assistance? You think you’re helping me? You’ve completely torn my life apart!” He spat the words out at her, his fists clenched.

She lifted the doll, admiring it for a moment, “Hmmm. That’s not what I’m referring to. In truth, I did that for completely different reasons. I can’t disclose very much of that to you, but I can at least say this: I was hired to free those three.”

Noss was taken aback, “Hired?”

“What happened that night was merely a separate transaction being fulfilled, and you were only a witness to it. Just a third party. Nothing more.” She attempted to speak in a reassuring manner, failing miserably.

“‘Nothing more’?” He scoffed.

For the first time, her tone shifted to sound more genuine, “Hmmm… that… didn’t come out right at all. And… I know that that hurt you. A lot. I’m sorry I did that to you.” She paused for a moment. She didn’t sound like she was done, even though Noss wanted her to be. “But I assure you that what I did was necessary. And from now on, my only objective is to help you.”

Noss had had enough, “How? How could you possibly help me now? Do you want to yank out whatever’s left of me? I’m sure he’s starting to hate it in there too, just like the others!”

At this, she seemed to find some amusement, “Well… you’re not entirely wrong. But I’m not the one who will do that. You will be the one to find the ringer of the bells.”

Noss was surprised by her answer, “What are you saying?”

She spoke with more certainty again, “You want the bells to stop, don’t you? I can’t make them stop, but I can help you reach the belfry, so to speak.”

Noss’ anger had quickly morphed into fearful uncertainty, thankful at least for a way out of this, “How are you going to do that? And… will it hurt?”

“That’s up to you. I can only show you where to go.” At this, she turned back to the room she had just come out of. She beckoned him to approach, “See for yourself.”

Now more nervous of his own bathroom than he ever had been before, Noss stepped slowly towards her and opened the door. Inside, his bathroom was no longer there, and hardly anything else for that matter.

Despite the shape of his apartment within the otherwise normally structured building, there now existed a deep, dark, narrow, descending staircase, into depths that Noss had never seen before in his life. A cold breeze crept up the stairs like a malicious, hungry serpent, carrying with it a low, ominous, yet all too familiar sound.

She spoke quietly to him now, with the kind of reverence one would have at a funeral, “you can hear the bells, can’t you?”

Noss stood frozen in place, afraid to continue.

“And you want them to stop, don’t you?”

“Yes, but… is there no other way?”

She turned to look down the stairs again, “I’m afraid there isn’t. This is the architecture of your mind, and I have no reign over that. I can only show it to you.” They both stood at the top of the stairs in silence, staring down into the depths below. 

Upon turning back to Noss, she noticed that he had begun to tremble.

“I can’t do this. I can’t.”

“Then why aren’t you closing the door?” She made a powerful point. If he really wanted to give up, he could have already. But still, he didn’t.

Instead, she continued, “The Noss I was introduced to, the Noss that you’ll become, isn’t much different from the person you are now. There was something about him that I see in you right now, and I hope it never disappears.”

Noss turned to look at her. And in the close distance, he could see, through the veil, the dimly lit profile of her face. Her features were sharp, and her eyes were filled entirely with a deep, ink-like black that was somehow even darker than the descending staircase before him.

She continued, “Despite standing face to face with the depths of your despair, you still have a spark of hope that, eventually, you’ll find a light at the end of the tunnel. It fascinates me that I’m seeing that in you now, and that it hasn’t been shoved too far down there.” As she said this, she moved her gaze back towards the staircase.

Noss was speechless. Even he wasn’t sure where this hope was within him. As far as he could tell, there was nothing unique to his identity at all anymore.

She pointed down the stairs, Noss’ gaze following it, “Noss. I hope you never lose your faith in the world and in yourself. That’s why I have to do this.”

At that moment, Noss’ felt his center of gravity suddenly lurch forward against his will, down the stairs. Within that short, initial flash of adrenaline, he clutched the railing for dear life.

She said it faster than he could process it, “I’ll see you soon, Noss.”

BANG.

In the pitch black darkness, the door had slammed shut behind him. He whipped around to open it, but there was no point. He was locked in there now.

“Hey! HEY! Open the fucking door!”

He rattled the door handle, nearly breaking it off. No response.

Terrified, he bent down to look through the opening at the bottom of the door. He couldn’t see much of the dimly lit hallway outside the door, but he could see enough to understand his situation all the more.

The woman was nowhere to be seen.

“Help! Someone help me!”, he pounded on the door like his security deposit no longer mattered. Try as he might, he couldn’t break down the door, even with all his strength.

No response.

Terrified, he shut his eyes, and took several deep breaths. The darkness behind his eyelids was no brighter than the darkness that surrounded him now. Desperate for light again, he tried the door, just one more time, only to be reassured that he was very much trapped in there.

No response.

It was then that the thought began to flutter in his mind, if only for a moment. The notion that maybe there never was a “someone else” in his apartment just now.

No response.

…

After sitting on the stairs for ten minutes, he opened his eyes again, understanding finally that there was only one path forward. The cold air had begun to coil around him as if it now had an even stronger appetite for fresh, vulnerable meat. The bells clanged at the bottom of the stairs, as if to signal that it was time for dinner.

Mustering together whatever was left of “Noss Barlowe” at that point, he moved his left foot down one step.

Then his right.

Then another.

Another.

Who am I?

You're crazy, you know.

It was time for dinner.

…

After thirty minutes of descending the now twisting and turning stairs, the bells only began to ring slightly louder than they had before. Still, this did not deter the pace that Noss had established for himself, especially since he was now able to see where he was going. Ahead of him was a small, flickering light, not unlike that spark that his illusionary houseguest had been referring to. With determination, he continued, the bells growing louder with each step.

But so too did another sound.

STEP

Noss turned around, now with the unnerving feeling that someone else was in there with him. Following him. He didn’t need much convincing to keep going now.

…

After what felt like nearly two hours, he found the source of the light. A flickering torch within what had become a stone stairwell. What Noss once thought was some freakish extension of his apartment had transformed into a cold, dark dungeon. He could even see a puddle of accumulating water a few steps below, the water dripping down from the ceiling.

STEP STEP STEP

He took the torch from the wall and pressed on, increasing his pace.

…

After another twenty minutes, Noss arrived at the bottom of the stairs. Before him was a long, straight hallway. No longer was there a light to follow, and the bells had become significantly louder. He had never heard them like this before. They had always sounded like they were invading his mind, but now, it felt as though he was approaching the very room that they had always been trapped within. Despite the now looming presence of the bells, he couldn’t drown out the sound that he feared just as much, if not more so.

STEP STEP STEP STEP STEP

Noss began to run towards the bells, their rhythm now matching that of his racing heart: a surprise maximus. And with each clang of the bells, the hallways seemed to warp in new and unnatural ways.

Looking down, he noticed how the stones now seemed to squish like jelly beneath his feet. The ceiling began to warp into a translucent glass that somehow looked fragile and fluid at the same time. The walls morphed into a decaying, sliver ridden wood that looked ready to burn and snap at any moment. By the time he found himself looking down again, the floor had already turned into a cold, rivet ridden array of metal plates, all covered with rust that spread forward across the ground faster than he was able to run. The hallway continued to veer in all directions, in haphazard and unreliable ways. Noss couldn’t even tell up from down anymore.

STEP STEP STEP STEP STEP STEP

With nowhere else to go, he continued into the endless void of his own mind, spiralling into everything he ever was, all at once. Despite its seemingly endless progression, the path didn’t seem to lead anywhere, and the bells now seemed to ring out in all directions: in front, behind, left, right, above, and below. Always in that same, tireless rhythm. Surprise maximus.

Despite the bells’ near deafening volume, a pair of voices now seemed to intrude the space from every direction with a chilling echo. It wasn’t hard for Noss to find the sources of these voices, as the ceiling had now turned into a view of a floor above him. There, two figures, a man and a woman, seemed to walk upside down through the very same dungeon that he was now trapped within.

“Those bells? W-where are they coming from? Why are they ringing?” the young man asked. Despite his nervous tone, he wore a menacing, all black outfit. Even his lips were polished black.

In direct contrast to her friend, the young woman calmly looked upwards, as if she could see Noss just as he could see them. Her eyes seemed to look through him, yet terrifyingly hungry with her shark toothed smile.

“Calm down, those are for someone else, not us. You can hear the difference, can’t you? These ones sound desperate.”

It all seemed so obvious to Noss now, in hindsight. Why the bells rang this way. Who it was that was ringing them. What needed to be said. Finally, it all aligned in his present moment, and he felt ready to do something about it all.

Noss stopped running, and simply stood in place.

At this, the figures and the floor above him disappeared, closing a window that was never meant to be opened.

It was then that after all this time, the bells reached a new kind of quiet. Only a small, singular ringing remained, just out of reach.

The hallway’s once chaotic structure had now returned to a simple, stone passageway, lit by another lone torch. This flickering light revealed that the hallway came to a sudden halt and turned sharply to the left. Slowly, he turned the corner.

Before him now was a small, surprisingly empty room. That cold wind slithered through the air again, now crawling in and out of a few small openings, high up on the walls. Outside, Noss could just barely see an expanse of stars, reaching out towards a deep, universal nothing that he could never hope to comprehend in full. And despite spending hours traversing further and further down into the depths of his own mind, he now felt as though he was very high up above the surface of the Earth.

A belfry with no bells.

STEP

Noss stood in this space. 

Quiet for a moment. 

Alone.

STEP STEP

Until he wasn’t.

STEP STEP STEP.

“Hello Noss. Do you remember me?” 

“...I do.” Noss turned around to look upon his pursuer for the first time in years. 

He looked just like Noss, though he didn’t have the dark rings under his eyes, nor the defeated posture. He looked alive. Honest. Vulnerable. Yet visibly disappointed.

It was Noss. The Noss who used to be.

“Why did you lock me down here?”

After so much time, yet just in time to answer the one who needed to ask it, Noss had finally come to learn the answer to this question, as a result of situations that no one other than these two men, were aware of.

“Because I was afraid of getting hurt again.”

“Hurt by who, me? You make me sound like a monster.” The Noss who used to be stood up for himself.

“No, not you. And you’re not a monster. You were just… misguided.”

“I was authentic.”

“You were naive.”

“I was happy.”

“Were you? I… don’t believe you.” Noss stood up for himself as well. Both of them were now aware of the unspoken truth that sparked this whole situation in the first place.

“Hmm… maybe you’re right.” The Noss who used to be admitted, “If I was happy, I wouldn’t have created you.”

Noss felt a shiver crawl up his spine. Though he was well aware of it now, it still terrified him to hear this spoken aloud. That he wasn’t the original Noss Barlowe.

The Noss who used to be continued, “You said you didn’t want to get hurt anymore. If I’m being honest… that’s why I created you in the first place. But…” He couldn’t hold back his frustrations as his voice increased in volume, “Is this really any better than when I was in charge? Look at yourself! You look like you’re dying! And now you’re down here now too!”

It was Noss’ turn to be honest, “You’re right. This isn’t better. But… we can’t go back to how it was when you were the only one in control. The world is a much more confusing place than you thought it would be.”

“Then… then what do we do? I…” The Noss who used to be began to tremble, “I can’t stay down here for much longer. I can’t ring those bells forever. It’s cold. And I’m hungry. And alone. Do you have any idea what that’s like?”

Noss wanted to say that he could understand. That he knew what it was like to be completely replaced. But this was different. And by this point, he knew better than to lie to himself. After all, that wasn’t what he came down here to do, “I don’t. And I’m sorry I locked you down here. I… I came to free you.”

The Noss who used to be looked up. For a fraction of a moment, he looked hopeful. But disgust quickly replaced this. “How… How dare you.”

“What? What do you mean?” Nervous, Noss took a step backwards.

“Is that all you can say? Like you’re not deserving of the same punishment!” The Noss who used to be clenched his fists.

Noss struggled to find the words to explain himself, “You… you didn’t do anything wrong, you were doing your best. I know that now. I’m here to free you, so let’s just… drop it. Can we?”

“You just want to wipe this all under the rug like nothing happened! You said it yourself, you have no idea what it’s like down here! No light! All alone!” The Noss who used to be turned away, disgusted by his creation, “Maybe I should trap you down here! Maybe then you’d understand what I’ve been through!”

“I… was really hoping you wouldn’t be like this. Is this really what you want?” Noss stepped forward.

“Don’t you dare!” The Noss who used to be trembled. “If you try to hurt me. I’ll make sure you regret it.” As he said this, he revealed something from behind his back that Noss could swear wasn’t there before. Seeing it now, all of a sudden, brought back horrible memories that he and his former self were now very much aware of, causing the space surrounding the two of them to shake and rumble. It was the reason the two of them were now down there in the first place.

In his hand, was a black book with the astrological symbol for Aquarius painted on the front, in blood red paint.

The Noss who used to be spoke with malice on his tongue, “Don’t think so little of me. I’m not afraid to use this.”

Noss trembled, terrified of what his former self might be able to do with the tome.

I don’t want to remember.

You’re crazy, you know.

Who am I?

You're crazy, you know.

Noss began to hyperventilate, memories and possibilities colliding into a whirlwind in his mind, rattling his convictions. The anxiety he thought he had buried away for years now bubbled up like a boiling volcano, just as it always could if he ever found himself just a tad too peaceful. 

At least… that’s what should have happened.

STOP!

In an instant, he quieted his thoughts. He thought back to why he was here in the first place. The hope that that woman saw in him. All of the people he knew, out in the real world. He knew why he was down here, and what he needed to do. Could he really afford to lose? What would happen if he did? Would he be locked down here instead? Could he really afford that? Even if he could use that book, could he really afford that?

Despite everything, Noss took another step forward, “You’re right. I don’t understand what it’s been like for you down here. But even so, I have no intention of taking your place.” Noss understood his former self’s way of thinking, but understood his own just as well.

Suddenly, the realization hit Noss like a freight train. No wonder those three wanted to escape the mirror. 

He continued, “You created me because things didn’t work for you out there when it was only you in control! You created me, and I only did what you told me to do! How the fuck can you justify trapping me down here just for doing my job!”

What happened next surprised both men in the room equally, the once looming, terrifying tome faded away into thin air as if it were a copy made of sand. 

Now powerless, the Noss who used to be dropped down to his knees, “You’re… you’re right. You were only doing your best. You were only doing what I told you to do.”

He wondered what it must be like to live in complete accordance with another's cold, pragmatic, terrified agenda.

“I’m sorry.”

He sobbed, knowing now what it meant to live completely in fear, with no hope at all.

“I’m so sorry.”

He closed his eyes. At that moment, he seemed to connect with a depth that was only a few feet beneath the very belfry that the two men stood in now. 

It was there that Noss’ last bell finally ceased ringing.

Silence lingered until Noss stepped forward, putting a hand on his creator’s shoulder, “I still want to free you.”

The Noss who used to be fought back tears, “You do? But… why?”

“Well, you can’t keep going solely on your impulse and I can’t keep going solely on my inhibitions. We need to find a balance. To be honest, I don’t think it’s much more complicated than that. I don’t think it needs to be.”

The Noss who used to be had to think about this for a moment. Before long, he answered, “That… would be nice. I’m sorry I wanted to trap you down here.”

“And I’m sorry I actually did.”

The Noss who used to be returned to his feet, taking one last glance around the room.

“Are you ready to leave?”

“...yes.”

…

As they made their hours-long return trip back up the stairs, they caught up on all sorts of things that they had missed out on together.

“Job interviews work well if you keep a healthy sense of confidence in mind. Feel proud of what you’ve accomplished so far, and stay certain that you can handle what comes, even if you don’t know the answers to everything. Most people in the corporate world admire that balance of work ethic and humility, believe it or not.”

“I see. I always thought it was colder and scarier than that.”

The Noss who used to be was eager to listen. He also had his own thoughts to share.

“Remember when I tried gardening with mom and grandma? I kind of miss being able to take care of something and watch it grow. It would get hot outside, but mom would always make lemonade and grandma would bring out ice cream sandwiches, even if they were a little expired.”

Noss laughed at this, remembering the memory in great detail, “I think back on those days every now and then actually.”

Tensions between them melted quicker than either of them expected. They both found a sense of relief upon realizing that reconciling may be much easier than they thought it would be.

…

Ultimately, the trip back up to the apartment felt much shorter than the journey away from it. The two Nosses stood at the top of the staircase, the cold air no longer a bother to them. No longer there at all.

“Are you ready to leave?”

More confidently this time, he answered, “Yes.”

At this, two Nosses opened the door.

…

One Noss emerged from the door, now with a content smile on his face. He closed the door gently behind him with one hand. It was then that he realized that his other hand was now holding something that he hadn’t entered with: in one of the smallest flower pots Noss had ever seen, was a small succulent plant.

Outside, the sun had set, but despite this, a single light flickered in the apartment. Noss noticed a lone candle on the kitchen table, remembering for certain that he hadn’t lit one, or even owned any for that matter. He stepped over to it to see a note that she had left for him.

<-- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ --> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Noss set down the note, and flicked on the lights before blowing out the candle. At this, his phone began ringing again, as if on cue. He picked it up off the floor to view the contents of a new text message, from his own phone number.

Noss. It’s the three of us.
We need to talk to her.
The one who set us free.
Can you meet us at Division Park at 11pm?

Noss checked the time:

10:04 PM

I’ll see you there.
But Scorpion can’t make it. She’s gone.
I’m not sure what you needed from her, but maybe I can help instead.
Let’s work this out.

…

After a shower, Noss Barlowe dried his face and hair with a towel before wiping away the moisture that had accumulated on his bathroom mirror. Looking at the centermost panel, Noss could see what his combination of sleep deprivation and anxiety had done to his appearance: dark rings under his eyes and a visibly exhausted posture. His forehead now revealed the undesirable beginnings of wrinkles, long before he ever expected them to appear. But that was all that was there.

That’s me, huh? But…

Before he could turn to look at the other panel, he stopped himself.

Not now…

Noss Barlowe dressed himself, brushed his teeth, and rushed out the door, skipping dinner. He didn’t have time to look in mirrors anymore. He had an important meeting to attend.

~~ Page 6 ~~